*NARRATOR* (with one of those really cool deep voices)
In a world that sometimes doesn't make sense. Where reality is twisted beyond logic and comprehension. Where Paris Hilton can actually be a celebrity yet moronic and useless simultaneously. There is an alternate reality. Welcome to...THE TWILIGHT ZONE... or SO YOU THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT KICKING YOUR DOG....(The producer hasn't decided yet on the title).
*ACTUAL VICTIM, ACTUALLY WILLING TO TELL HIS STORY*
I will sadly, grudingly tell this true story in the hopes it will save someone in the future. Give a good laugh. Or actually win me something for such a bizzaro story. Inspired by Jackels, "That means STAY OFF" thread. There are no known photographs of this and I THANK GOD
Again, this IS a true story, (you can't make up cr@p like this).
The Spring meltdown is in full swing, the waters churn and tempestuously flow where it is normaly calm and my dog, faithfull companion, mans best friend goes to the waters edge, for a drink of water. CREAK...CRACK...A 5 foot chunk of ice cracks and starts floating away in the torrent of rapidly flowing water. Dog starts to freak and in obvious distress, "barks" at master to help.
(This is where man becomes stupider than animal).
Owner and superior lifeform, man, takes a slow-mo, hollywood movie scene, jump accross the raging water onto the iceflow.
*ORCHESTRA*
Cool, heavy duty music for effect and dramatic effect playing.
Landing with impressive grace considering the distance of the ice, speed of the water and of course the idiot dog that almost knocks man off the iceflow, jumping on him with obvious releif.
The man is (obnoxiously), impressed with his athletic ability, courage, reckless abandon and overall heroism. He stands, dusts the snow off himself and smiles at his faithfull, yet stupid companion, mans best friend.
Then, as realization slowly slips in, is not so impressed with his own OBVIOUS stupidity.
He watches as the bank disapears quickly in the distance while the raging spring water rapids carry the small island of ice away at an alarming rate.
In mere seconds he is easily 30 feet from shore. His faithfull compainion looks up at him with trust, whimpering, knowing, surely his master is in complete control and all is safe. The man looks down at his dog and utters with disgust, "you retarded mutt."
Man, with absolutely no recourse and the riverbank, still rapidly fading further away, sits down on the large piece of ice and contemplates his fate.
He also meanwhile, considers evil ways to punish the idiot dog, should all turn out well, while attempting his VERY best to ignore people on their waterfront property, calling for others. Most common one liner was;
*USELESS EXTRA HEARD AND NOT SEEN TO AVOID PRODUCTION COST*
"Honey, get over here and grab the kids, you're NOT gonna beleive this one! Yeah, you heard me! Yes, I'm serious, there's a freaking guy with his dog surfing the river on a chunk of ice! No, I told you before, I stopped smoking that stuff!"
SO, there sits man. Conquerer of land, sea and space in all his might and glory. Powerlessly raging down river with his IDIOTIC, yet faithfull companion. Man attempts to use the superior mind God gave him that allowed him to walk upright, harness fire, the wheel, create society and survive the primordial ooze of prehistoric times.
Man has an incredibly amazing thunderbolt of an idea hit him
Then frowns as he realizes pushing the dog off the ice and holding on to it's tail for animal powered motor will miserably fail due to amazingly strong current. He suddenly feels as smart as his ancestral neandrethal family of old, feebily attempting to ward off a T-Rex with a small pointy stick.
Man is

Man is

Man is also this close

to strangling his faithfull companion. Let's just say it like it is...MAN IS REALLY, REALLY F@CKING pee pee
Then the clouds break open, the sun shines down. In an amazing turn of events the current, diverted by a fallen log, is changes flow and the chunk of ice slices toward the riverbank

The riverbank is approaching a distance that the man is thinking he can attempt another amazingly impressive jump to safety.
(He looks down at his faithfull compainion, scowls and decides he really doesn't give a flying f@ck about the retarded dog anymore).
Man stands...licks his lips. Visually gauges the distance of the upcoming jump, is once again brave, valliant and superhuman and smiles, mockingly in the face of danger.
With a deep breath man starts the 2 stride run for momentum he has to work with, preparing to dive and leap to safety. At this moment, his faithfull companion, OBVIOUSLY, NOT giving an ounce of concern for faithfull master, seizes the opportunity, making a dashing leap to safety, tripping the man and making him land on his face eating ice and snow as it cuts his face and almost capsizing the small island of ice.
(Triumphant music plays as)... Mans faithfull companion successfully reaches safety!
Man is

thinking Faithfull companion, mans best friend, will undoubtedly go for help in Lassie like fashion. His canine compainion is overjoyed and happily runs along the riverbank, following his master, for over a good km. Man, repeatedly curses at dog to get help, even throwing the occasional snowball at the mongrel, who stupidly stops to eat them, as his kind master get's again dragged out to the middle of the river and the man thinks to self, "I hate that (^*%**&&)(%^&%!! dog
Dog disapears at some point, growing weary of the game of Chase The Master. The man in another twist of fate is diverted towards the bank again and manages to leap up to an overhanging tree branch, scrambling to safety as it creaks and cracks, complaining under his weight. Man, quickly traverses branch, hand over hand and flings himself off of it a fraction of a second b4 it breaks and falls into the water.
(Indiana Jones, hero music plays),
Man, drops from branch, hitting the ground hard on his chest and face as the treebranch cracks and begins it's own trip down the raging river.
Man smiles to self, having beaten the elements, fought the river and Mother Nature, defied fate itself, saved mans best friend heroically, (& in mans opinion, feats of athleticism of Olympian calabre and remains unscathed!
(De-climatic, all is well, music begins to play)...
What do YOU think happened next?
Faithfull companion, mans best friend, comes to his side, lovingly thanking him for his dangerous and selfless act?
Faithfull companion, mans best friend, has decided squirell chasing was more fun than watching master possibly drift all the way to the Parliament buildings, to suffer more mockery and possible tourist photographs?
Faithfull companion, mans best friend, has returned the favour and brought help?
NO!
Master of land, sea, air and yes, even space, lays panting like a maniac, panicked, cut and bleeding, frantically eating snow to parch his throat dried from the extreme adventure and glances off to the other side of the river, where the spectators children are STILL laughing, (yet still disappointed they couldn't throw their snowballs far enough to hit him and knock him in the water)....
Faithfull companion, mans best friend...has long since returned home and waits by his foodbowl, confused as to where his master is and why he isn't fed yet.
STUPID ^#$^**(%&*&*(! Dog
Again, true story. I now understand why MrJ. and I found a dog, bloated and floating in the Rideau this past summer. I wonder when my Faithfull companion, mans best friend, friggin' retard mutt of a dog had puppies?